This morning I received an email from a dear friend. This friend told me of a friendship with another dear to her heart. But through a series of mistakes and unfortunate events, the friendship began to fall apart. My friend realized that she was being pushed away and that her friendship with this man would not last. She aches for the “good old days” when things were simpler and the friendship was natural and wholesome. Every passing day she feels that the recovery of such a friendship is slipping beyond her grasp.
My heart went out to her. And my guess is yours does too. I think most if not all of us have felt that— at one time or another—we were fighting for what felt like a hopelessly lost relationship because someone else wasn’t doing their part or putting forth the effort to make it work.
I began to reflect on the past couple years, particularly since my mission. I focused in particular on my struggle to create, strengthen, and maintain the relationships in my life. These relationships can be romantic, but more often than not, they have been relationships with friends; with guys and girls alike. I have experienced such wonderful relationships in my life that I never wanted to let them go. I never wanted things to change. I wanted everything to stay as it was and where it was forever. However, time has a way of changing things. As I look back on the years since have been home from my mission and consider the relationships in my life, there is not a single one that is what it was two years ago; for better or for worse. Some of those relationships have been strengthened through vulnerability, shared experience, and commitment; others have been weakened by insecurities, distance, or a myriad of other things that can prevent the flourishing of relationships.
Seeing friends grow distant and watching relationships dwindle is normally painful; no matter what the cause of the decay is. There were times in the past couple years when I started to think that close relationships weren’t worth the pain they caused. It was better to keep things superficial and people at arm’s length than to be hurt by the ever-changing ebb and flow of relationships. I couldn’t trust them. I couldn’t trust people to be there for me and/or allow me to be there for them. In my ignorance and small-mindedness, there were times when I was frustrated with God. I wondered why He put people in my life I cared so much for only to lead them away from me when I felt I most needed them.
The answer came; and it changed the way I thought, so it changed the world as I knew it.
I’m going to make sense of this all, but bear with me for a moment.
I have mentioned before that I have a deep love and appreciation for music. Something has always brought it so close to my heart and through it I have felt many of my deepest emotions connect with friends, family and humanity in general. While I’m not crazy about most musicals there are a few that have deeply impacted me whether by the music, the lyrics, the story, the dialogue, or the messages communicated through a combination of these.
One of those musicals is Wicked. It is a fun, touching, and powerful musical based on the relationship of Glinda the Good witch and Elphaba (the misunderstood wicked witch of the west). I won’t give you too many details as you just need to get on a plane and see it in New York ASAP., but I do want to talk about one part in particular.
After a difficult beginning, these two develop a unique, most unlikely friendship. They come to love each other and learn from each other. At one point in the musical, together they sing a song called “For Good”.
I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
This is where the truth of relationships began to come clear to me. I know this to be true. Time and time again I have been lead to people who have changed my life and made me into the person I am today. Not all of these interactions are pleasant. In fact some of them have been very difficult and at times I have been hurt deeply by them. However, the lasting effect of these relationships on me has always been for the better. Every single one of these relationships has helped me to better know who I am and who I want to become.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.
As a Human Development major, I recognize the impact of both nature and nurture on our characters. However, that being said, I feel confident saying much of who we are is a result of our relationships. For better or for worse, our relationships play a fundamental part in our becoming who we are and will continue to become. As I have pondered the transformative power of relationships more and more, I realized that the growth and development of our character is highly dependent on our willingness to allow others change us for good.
A fundamental belief of the LDS church is the doctrine of progression. We believe that we are in this life to gain experience and learn. We are to do these things not just for the sake of experience or knowledge; but to allow experience and knowledge to change us; to transform us for good. To change for good is the reason we are here. It is God's whole purpose. President Spencer W. Kimball said that "God does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another mortal that he meet our needs."
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| A Pondering Prophet: Spencer W. Kimball |
This is true not only of our temporal needs, but the need for growth; be it emotional, temporal, or spiritual. I have found that remembering this is important when considering the relationships in our lives; whether they be long and lasting or short and fleeting.
In my own experience, it seemed that all too often, relationships were of the short and fleeting kind. Personally, I would rather them be long and lasting. In this, we have to remember that we see with very limited vision. If we had an eternal perspective, or even a more enlightened mortal perspective, we could begin to understand that it is all for our good. Sometimes it is hard for us to see with even an enlighten perspective, so it can be helpful to look into our past experience. They say hindsight is 20/20. And it’s not far from the truth. Consider for a moment the relationships in your life (or even just those that have influenced you in the past couple years), those that have come to stay and those that have only passed through for a time or season. As I have done this, I have been brought to my knees in humility and gratitude.
I saw one relationship that taught me so much and that I cared for deeply. As I considered it again, I saw how that seemingly great relationship could have quickly become a dangerous one. I considered another where I thought the relationship was essential to my happiness. As the relationship began to decay, I thought it would ruin everything. I learned that it didn’t. In fact, the ashes of that relationship provided the fertile soil that enabled the growth and development of many healthy relationships.
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
In the experiences I've considered, I saw that a pattern emerged: God put certain people in my life at certain stages to help me learn certain truths, principles, and attributes that only certain experiences would teach me. I realized too that when I learned what I needed to from certain people, God would at times send them on and allow room for others to come into my life to teach me truths that other relationships would not have taught me.
Realizing this, I was able to find greater peace in the relationships that were no longer at the forefront of my life. While I would always love those relationships and those people, they had fulfilled their purpose in my life and I in theirs. Sometimes I still think about those relationships with fond memories. I am able to be grateful for all that I received from them instead of longing for what I thought I needed or deserved from them.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you'll have rewritten mine
By being my friend.
I am grateful for all the friendships/relationships that have come into my life. I have been uplifted and edified by each and every one of them. Yes, at times I have been hurt by them. . . a lot of them. But they have made me who I am today and continue to mold me into who God would have me be. I am grateful.
Because I knew you
I have been changed...
For good.
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