The Nights of Darkness

“My Own Jesus,

Jesus, hear my prayer. If this pleases you, if my pain and suffering, my darkness and separation gives you a drop of consolation, my own Jesus do with me as you wish, as long as you wish, without a single glance at my feelings and pain. I am your own. Imprint on my soul and life the sufferings of your heart. Don’t mind my feelings; don’t mind even my pain, if my suffering separation from you brings others to you, and in their love and company you find joy and pleasure.

My Jesus I am willing with all my heart to suffer all that I suffer not only now, but through all eternity if this was possible. Your happiness is all that I want. For the rest, please do not take the trouble even if you see me faint with pain. All of this is my will. I want to satiate your thirst with every single drop of blood that you can find in me. Don’t allow me to do you wrong in any way. Take from me the power of hurting you…I am ready to wait for you through all eternity.”

In all honesty, it hurts me just to read these words. While I am filled with admiration of the woman who was so willing to set aside her comfort and joy to please Christ, I am at the same time I ache as I feel her pain and suffering. While I cannot understand perfectly the pain she feels, I have had dark moments that have led me to similar places of darkness and separation.

Have you questioned yet who said these chilling, albeit inspiring words? I know I was surprised.

Now, many of you know that I am a student at Brigham Young University. Some may feel we are often “sheltered” down here. And I think those who want to be sheltered can be. But in the university, I am grateful for the exposure to different ways of thinking that allow me to gain further light and truth, wherever it may come from. This semester, I have the privilege of having Sister Cavanaugh: Sister of Saint Joseph of Philadelphia (if that’s not the coolest title you've heard all day) teaching my Spanish literature class. While we don’t have in-depth conversations on religion, I am grateful for the knowledge she has shared with me.

A few weeks ago in class, Mother Teresa came up in a classroom discussion. For those of you that don’t know much about her, here is a brief summary: Mother Teresa was a nun as part of the Order of the Sisters of Loreto, who after some years left the order and founded the Missionaries of Charity which consisted of over 4,500 sisters and is active in 133 countries. They run hospices and homes for people with HIV/AIDS, leprosy and tuberculosis; soup kitchens; dispensaries and mobile clinics; children's and family counseling programs; orphanages; and schools. Members of the order must adhere to the vows of chastity, poverty and obedience, and the fourth vow, to give "Wholehearted and Free service to the poorest of the poor". In essence, they live a lifestyle that was modeled by Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa was the recipient of numerous honors including the 1979 Nobel Peace Prize. In late 2003, she was beatified, the third step toward possible sainthood, giving her the title "Blessed Teresa of Calcutta". A second miracle credited to her intercession is required before she can be recognized as a saint by the Catholic Church.  Its a beautiful, though complex process to become a saint. Mother Teresa has been admired, honored, and respected the world over

However, Sister Cavanaugh brought to my attention that while Mother Teresa was a wonderful example of selfless giving, she too had struggles and doubts. The quote above was hers. The pain, suffering and darkness was her own. Sister Cavanaugh explain that in her later years in life, Mother Teresa felt spiritually “dry”. She wasn’t able to feel the fire she had once felt.  

Now some will try (and many already have tried) to use this to prove that God doesn’t exist. Others have used it as evidence that the Catholic Church has fallen from Light and Truth. People who are willfully resistant to truth do not want to understand it, and they jeer at it or try to misrepresent what the “darkness”  Mother Teresa felt was all about. But there is more to it, you just have to be willing to look deeper.

If I am honest with myself (and I don’t mean to project this onto anyone else, but feel it to be true), I believe that every intelligent person— regardless of upbringing— will have questions, will have doubts. We know too, that every person is given trials. Some are called to endure very, very difficult ones. I don’t think you can be a serious, thoughtful, dedicated Christian and not have doubts, not wrestle sometimes with faith, not struggle with weaknesses and adversity. And for those who have given it all, have allowed themselves to be used up until they literally have nothing left to give, it seems to me that such dark nights would be unavoidable.

We mortals want to think we are in charge. We want the surety that nothing is going to interrupt our plans. But the real growth periods—the celestial, transforming, defining moments— will almost never be in those “summer sun” phases of our lives. It will be the quick changes in the winds and the sudden darkening sky that cause us to readjust and trust that will really try our stability and strength.

But we can take hope even in the darkness as we are promised that we won’t be pushed beyond hope. We won’t be pushed beyond faith. We won’t beyond what the future has in store for us. As Elder Holland, Apostle of the LDS Church spoke of the trust we must have in ourselves and recognize how far we have come.

Elder Jeffery R. Holland

Every person will say, at one time or another: “I can’t do more.” I can’t take one more step. But we find in those moments that we can, and we do. The load we say we cannot carry, we carry. The road we said we couldn’t walk, we walk. Elder Holland teaches that in these moments “God is revealing to you the divinity in your soul.” As you look back on the some of the darker moments in your life you will see this pattern. We work, we tire, we fall, we stand back up, and we move on. You’re reading this post, so congratulations on standing back up. Just keep going. Keep persevering. Just plowing ahead regardless of blows, failures and setbacks.

As simple or as superficial as it sounds, we should take heart. We can at least keep trying. We can at least get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. Just keep trying.  Keep leaning on God. We are promised that we will not be tempted or tried above what we are able to bear. But that does not mean just what we bear with our own strength, but as we lean on the Lord; as we trust Him.

This was the one of the blessings of “dark nights” according to Elder Holland: “You get the real-life chance to say: “Can I really trust the Lord?”

The truth that we all must learn to put our trust in God and lean in Him is a realization we must all come to eventually. I believe that there are three essential parts to this trust (okay, there are probably a couple more, but three stick out to me right now). First; that we cannot get through this life without God's help. The scriptures are replete with stories of men who leaned on God for their strength. One that comes readily to mind is David of the Old Testament. Two-thirds of David’s psalms convey the same message and with the same tone I have felt time and time again. On aching knees, with tear-filled eyes, and trembling voice; I— like David— have begged: “Lord, help me. Help me hang on.” 

The second part of this trust comes in the answer I get. Every time. Every. Single. Time. I have been able to get back up off my knees and move forward. Not that my burden is gone, not that the path is necessarily lighter, or that I have had any sort of awakening or powerful impression. But there is a peace that inevitably finds its way back into my heart. I don’t say this because I’m strong. I don’t say this because I’m full of faith or especially righteous like that. I say this because I fallen down a million times, whether it be from exhaustion, mistakes, fear, or lack of faith. But the important part is that every time He’s still there to help me stand back up and push me to keep moving forward. This second part: trusting that God will help us.

And third: trusting that God does it all out of love. God does know what is best for us and what will be of greatest benefit to us in the long run. He has a perfect, eternal perspective that we, with out 20/20 (at best) mortal eyes can't hope to perceive. He, like the parent who aches as they watch their child given vaccination shots does not relish their pain, but knows that it is for the best. I feel Dr. Jonathan Sandberg, a professor at BYU, said it perfectly: "God is more concerned with our growth, than our comfort". This is true, because He loves us and knows what it takes to become like him. But we must never forget that He loves us. 

Mother Teresa, among many other followers of Christ, emulated this principle of pushing on through darkness. She didn't know how long she would need to, but she put one foot in front of the other; again and again. We, like Mother Teresa, have "nights of darkness" that we do not know when, how, or if they will clear. But we, like Mother Teresa, can also move forward even in the dark, trusting in a Loving God. That much, we can do. And thankfully, that is all that is expected. We may not have the answers and we may not know when they’ll come. But we can push on: be it in day of sunlight or the night of darkness.